A few weeks ago, a patient revealed some things to me that he hadn’t shared in earlier visits. He told me that he hadn’t realized how much having a hearing loss had changed him. He told me that he would sit off to the side at social gatherings and when his friends would ask why he was so removed, he would tell them, “I just like to observe everyone from afar.”
At this more recent visit, he told me that this wasn’t the case. He said that he hadn’t engaged much at social gatherings because he couldn’t hear what people were saying and respond appropriately. He found this so embarrassing that he chose not to join conversations. I asked him what changed. He paused and then shared that his wife noticed that he was behaving in a disengaged way as his father had when his hearing loss was severe and untreated. “And I just didn’t want to be that guy,” this patient told me.
Here’s the thing about hearing loss: it mimics appearing like you are disinterested in your partner’s conversation, like you are confused, like you can’t remember things, like you are increasingly unable to handle your own affairs. It is none of those things. People with hearing loss have a hard time revealing this to you because it leaves them feeling vulnerable. Their inability to hear already makes them feel that way. People with hearing loss live with an invisible disability (and it is a disability) that they are judged on but they need help with. People in their lives take their inability to hear them personally, when instead, they might want to approach the matter with compassion and curiosity. Why? Because this allows them to lower their defenses and makes them feel safe enough to share what hearing loss feels like, and perhaps take steps towards treating it.
The next time someone in your life ignores you when you speak to them, instead of assuming they are disinterested, take some time to understand what is happening. You might find that they have their defenses up or they are disengaged for a reason. They might appear “changed” when they are really just trying to protect themselves. They are trying to maintain their dignity. It is not about you. It is about their internal struggle with a disability you cannot see. Let’s give each other that grace.
